The Buckingham Hotel Buxton. Three star accommodation in the peak district (Hotel Managment)

MEET THE MUPPETS

Muppet Training

The hotel, which has always been in private hands, enjoyed an unbroken period of ownership of nearly a quarter of a century under the previous proprietors. Their retirement towards the tail end of 1999 saw the Buckingham welcoming new owners who have now been in tow for over 8+ yrs (must've bin a pretty big mirror). The trademark style of operation still remains. Guests have always been looked after in a relaxed manner, attentive but not overpowering and this is the undoubted strength of the hotel.

If you're the type of guest who craves a starchy and teribbly formal style of service and feels neglected if not confronted by a member of staff every 10 minutes we're probably not for you. Levels of service are matched personally to guests' own needs and requirements. Happy guests equate to happy staff and the length of service of our key staff is a testimony to our approach.

AND ONTO THE STAFF [cue drum roll Animal...]:

Skeletor: The Alpha... and the Omega... death and rebirth... and as you die, so will I be reborn! (Masters of Universe - 1987 - Dir Garry Goddard)

Yeah, by the Power of Greyskull, every 1 is replaceable, itz just that some are less ably replaced than others. Staff come and staff go...some we miss and some we, um, miss less! Regardless of this, all key staff deserve recognition of their efforts; those that have left have had their entry transferred to The Hotel Catacombs - finally at peace with themselves, however unlikely that may be in some cases (or shud I say caskets).

ACTIVE MUPPETS

Kath Jackson (receptionist) - Now in her 18th year of a life sentence Kath is an established and now honorary life member of the chattering classes and is never one to cut a long story short. As a devoted fan of musicals we are fortunate that the acoustics of the hotel do not encourage singing. Her hobbies are M&S Sushi, Running (except on any day with a vowel in it) and Red Bull (the drink not a grazing heifer from Lincoln). Charity begins at home, tho' in Kath's case that simply means most of the local SCOPE's stock ends up in her flat. She does suffer from the odd (daily) ailment and is more than partial to the odd tablet - fellow staff have long since learnt the benefit of locking their Hedex away in the available secure medicinal cabinets - aka the hotel safes. She's currently pursuing a no of diets...simultaneously!
SUM UP - It's good to talk and talk and..

John (chef) - 'The Godfather' of the hotel after more than a dozen years of assorted butchery. In fact if this was 'Scum' he'd be the undisputed Daddy, clinically bundling up a couple of frozen racks of lamb in muslin to administer some real justice. A keen clubber (golf n bopping), though it's the greens of HIgh Peak Golf Club rather than Godskitchen where he'll be found these days! John (or Mr Cornwell as he is equally happy to be known as) is an old school chef, from the days when Prawn Cocktail meant a bag of Young's Finest North Atlantic and a dollop of Noel's Seafood Sauce and the variety of trifle served was dependant on the Bird's range stocked by his local Mace. His former days in domestic service have sadly rendered him unable to converse without regular use of the terms 'Sir' & 'Madam' tho away from the char-grill itz a different story where Harry H Corbett's immortal words "You Dirty Old Man" would be wholly suitable.His born again affiliation to Brighton & Hove Albion often sees him randomly shouting out "Seagulls" which can be confusing to punters when he's carving. He has recently been ordered to lay off the drink, which for someone who's blood is of a better vintage than nost Chateau Neuf's, is akin to the Archbishop of Canterbury adopting Sharia Law...Loves - Facebook...Hates...Mcains!
SUM UP - No one told me about the bloody Vegan!

Debbie (b'kfast chef/occsanl restaurant) - Little Debbie as she is known (to distinguish her from our other Debbie below) is renowned for her good nature (9 years of having worked with Billy). Most days she braves all weathers during her long early morning walk to work to prepare breakfast though she avoids eating at that time as part of her 11 year fast. During this time the average super model's daily calorific intake would constitute Babbette's Feast in comparison to her own. No confirmed sightings exist of her actually consuming food, tho' reports that she once ate a Jammie Dodger on duty were later proved to be wholly unfounded after a full disciplinary hearing. Mid morning she throws off her chef whites and dons her waiting-on glad rags to bring some understated glamour (flash of leg) to the distinctly non-swinging luncheon arrangements of local worthies such as Probus (crusty old gents) and erm...Lady Probus (the reason why their crusty). Additionally her presence at most of the funerals we host is clearly appreciated by the assembled mourners whose spirits are clearly lifted by her non-deadpan dispensing of Kipling's Manor Houes n Battenburg. An extremely tolerant person by nature, she cannot stand inconsiderate people who choose to eat while she smokes. Her favourite film scene is in 'Oliver' when the aforesaid is refused a 2nd helping.
SUM UP - Lunch (and breakfast and dinner) is for Wimps

Gill (restaurant) - A Buxton lass with plenty of (forthwright) local charm - which is a polite way of saying that she's not yr typical sniffy Parisian maître d'hôtel, so it's best not to click your fingers at her. A breeder of dogs, which could easily be mistaken for small ponies, an offer of a young pup is best refused though in her 10 years with us Gill has never told a diner to sit and wait. She recently took to cycling to work but this has proved a short-lived expression of pedal-power as she claims the Penny Farthing is now broke...if you know of any old vintage Postie's bicycles, do let us know.
SUM UP - Top breeders recommend...

Vicky (cleaner) - With over 10 years service she's wiped more fingerprints from the various glass panes in the hotel doors than the Flying Squad & CI5 put together.. Quiet and unassuming we only really notice her presence when her stock of Miele Hoover bags starts to run dangerously low. Looks lovely in her Marigolds.
SUM UP - Duraglit or Brasso

Maureen (reception/occasnl restaurant) - Maureen worked at the local telephone exchange many Buzby ads ago where she perfected the art of listening-in. Never short of local information she is reliable source of (third-hand) news which she relays in concise and regular dispatches. She claims to speak her mind which is reassuring otherwise we'd be worried if it was somebody else's. Her attempted wooing of the brewery delivery drayman has been unsuccessful to date as they remain unimpressed by the offer of a M&S Lemon Grass, Lime & Coriander flavoured corn-fed Chicken leg with Oriental Glazed Mange Tout - she really should stop borrowing her daughter's Cosmo. She claims never to swear, so we can only assume that her regular utterances of the word "knickers" is simply a reminder to herself to start wearing some (M&S of course)
SUM UP - Tittle Tattle Lost the Battle

Paul (handyman) - Paul hails from Stoke-on-Trent and travels daily to ensure the smooth running of all facilities at hotel. His latest vehicle is an old school (L Reg) Volvo which he claims is one of the best cars he's ever had - well it's certainly the only one were the heating's worked! With his Batman-style Utility belt and DeWit Power Drill he would be certainly be Mr July were we thinking along the lines of The Calendar Boys. Famed for his repeated attempts to fix the same problem over n over agin it does take him a fair while to sometimes realise that a faulty Mira shower may require a bit more than a Water Diviner and some LimeLite. Having met his wife Rose, his happy knack of falling off ladders may be down to a bit more than vertigo...we suspect it's a 'cry for help'. A diehard fan of The Mighty Potters he has achieved near diplomatic status in his ability to offer reasons following a defeat, tho' he has some way to go before surpassing the no of explanations offered for an icy radiator.
SUM UP - If itz broke, don't fix it

Maureen & Darren (housekeeping) - As Double Acts go this Mother-Son partnership would best be limited to an appearance on 'Ask the Family', tho in resemblance the sunglasses permanently worn by 'Mum' would suggest Peters n Lee doing the Shake n Vac. Mind yoo given the resonance of her skull piercing laugh she'd comfortably land her a slot in the opening scenes of any half decent production of Macbeth. As to what exactly transpires 'upstairs' heaven knows...it would be far too cheap a shot to make innuendos about Mother n Son spending too much time together in the same bedroom...so we won't...let alone mention that Mel (above) is Darren's sister...now ur interested aren't ya!
SUM UP - Keeping it in the Family

Jude (housekeeping) - This is Jude's (short for Joooo-dith) second spell with us and garners her the unique privilege of having 2 entries -the other one being in the catacombs below (which presumably makes her one of the living dead, grateful even...). Having previously worked in the basement kitchen she has quite literally graduated from those catacombs to the heavenly world that is...housekeeping (at least in physical terms at least!). Mind you, she'll need the virtues of a Saint to survive with her new 'colleagues' up there...No doubt her intense interest in 'Patchwork' these days is as much theurapeutic as it is creative..though she can't seem to darn any othe ripped duvets!
SUM UP - A stich in time...means

Keith (night porter) - And making his debut as the first NP employed by the hotel in over 20 years is Dirk...sorry Keith, who (para) trooped down the hill shortly after Flyboy from the same previous employer. Doesn't say much but is a man of ACTION - wud win the Krypton Factor by a short warhead! Ex Services (Port Stanley, etc) so no arguing about last orders anymore! Also walks round with key chain last used for mooring a tug. A tad like the Geordie NP in the Alan Partridge prog a few yrs ago; his ability to create a lethal pencil gun out of a broken high-chair frame and redundant bathroom door lock remains latent (at present). A right charming gent "Within these Walls".
SUM UP - Any one seen Charlotte Rampling

Hannah (bar/occsnl restaurant) - Young, single and (currently) free! A life of contented bliss awaits the lucky chap who falls under her spell, though the chains may become a bit of a bind(!) after a while. Blessed with a lovely disposition, Hannah's keen to undertake 'service with a smile' and her keen eye is always on the lookout for those in need of assistance (aka prey). You'll never get a short measure with her, be it spirits or stout (the latter being a term which could equally apply to her pleasing curves).
SUM UP - Don't stand too close to the bar!

Simon (Jnr stand-in trainee wanabee commis chef) - Luckily for an aspiring chef, young Simon (aka Mr Cs' Pastry Biatch) has a unique love of food - now he's simply got to learn how to cook it rather than eating it. Originating from Wales, he was no doubt drawn to the Buxton hills in search of fresh pastures (and sheep). He shares a passion for football and fortunately isn't the typical 'glory-hunter' supporter, choosing to follow Liverpool instead - often cheering them on...in the hotel lounge. He's blessed with a lovely disposition which was clearly tested whilst out on the town a while back...he's simply got to learn to keep his head down...pretty much impossible as he's nigh on 6' 4. Unfortunately there's evidence of grooming as da Bwoy has just purchased some golf clubs
SUM UP - Don't call me a "*** b*****d"

Faz (restaurant/bar) - Our very own Slumdog...Pauper!

Emma (reception/bar/ents) - Cute as Pie and sweet as a baby!!!! Em's our very own Dancing Queen and joined us fresh from the High Seas - having jumped cruise liner - where she was in chge of ents and lead dancer. She spreads her supa smiley showbiz charm as thickly as possible in her unique triple role, though we've yet to see her tap dance her way through a number on the bar top...in fact we've yet to see any sort of wiggle...giver her time we say (3 yrs?)
SUM UP - Let's Dance...soon

HOTEL CATACOMBS -

Pauline (b'kfast waitress) - A born again senior citizen and more good natured than a Blue Peter guide dog (and quicker than the tortoise they used to have). She does a lot of voluntary work in her spare time involving 'retired folk'...always brings in a chocolate eclair (with real dairy cream) when itz someone's birthday...writes to prisoners on Death Row...enjoys free bus travel (after 9am)...buys all the staff an Easter Egg in Feb...saves the leftover toast to feed the ducks...has a friend called Beryl...you get the picture.
EPITAPH - How do you take yr porridge...boiled or poached? (04/2009)

Tim (asst mgr) - Rip-roaring Tim never strays off the beaten track (unless itz the A5004 due to road works on The A6). He made a momentous life changing voyage of self-discovery when he crossed the road and joined us from the hotel opposite some 13 years ago. A thorough (1 week) classical training in one of Switzerland's finest hotels has left Tim with the ability to reset all known makes of Cuckoo clocks when BST kicks in. He is a regular subscriber to Which magazine and is well versed in the energy efficiency ratings of most domestic white goods with a specialism in upright fridge/freezers (ideally Zanussi 2005-07) though he has recently shown leanings towards portable dehumidifiers. Tim has the entire Fawlty Towers collection on video (a carefully structured program of DVD replacement copies has been scheduled for 2008/09). Tim, recently changed cars and traded up to a seriously head-turning babe-magnet...he's even chosen the leather-binding options for the user manual of his new Mazda 3 (4-dr saloon of course!)
EPITAPH - In the beginning God built The Buckingham... and out of the very salts of the bare earth that lay nearby he did fashion a manager...and that blessed idol did take the form Tim...gud wk fella...you'll be missed (01/2009)

Mel (housekeeping) - A 'down t'earth local lass (grumpy cow) Mel's eye for detail is exemplary leading to spotless rooms, tho whether this is down to her own sterling efforts or simply the supervision of others has never been fully researched. Now devoid of Edward, a long term acquaintance, whom she religously used to visit on a daily basis and feed sugar lumps to (he's a pony), she's shown a streak of Penelope Pitstop n acquired an Impreza which she proudly claims to drive without the use of a horse-whip - though given the intensity of it's reverberating low-exhaust note, we're not so sure. A reluctant convert to the world of glamour and bi annually has her hair exclusively styled along the lines of The Harmony Hairspray Girl - the same bewilderment that befell her onlookers often results.
EPITAPH - Maybe not Fast...but definitely Furious!

Brian (chef) - Hailing from Kenya, in Afreeeca, Brian joined us mid 2007 after watching a pirate copy of 'Coming to America' - clearly either his Green Card application was woeful or he's in transit. A former Keynan basketball International (point guard - think Kobe), he's still searching for a suitable accomplice to team-up with n 'scam' his way to a few extra dollars a la' White Men Can't Jump' in the court across the road in the Pavilion Gdns. Brian works hard and sleeps even harder..his split-shift Siesta's tend to last well beyond the end of CBBC! There are those who need 'beauty sleep' and others who wish to emulate 'Sleeping Beauty'...our bwoy clearly seeks a Prince!
EPITAPH - 'Time for a Power Nap' said Zebedee (2008)

Debbie (bar) - The Grand Old Dame of The Buckingham. Debbie emigrated from Liverpool 18 years ago and has (un)fortunately nearly lost that city's fair accent in her 15 yrs with us, tho she still sees a role for herself in the promotion of Liverpool as The European City of Culture in 2008. A former gangsta's moll, she welcomes the Smoking Ban as she no longer has to request patrons to remove the ash trays from their pockets before leaving. Her Scouse sense of humour/tolerance has served her well during the numerous working hours she spent with Clive (see Catacombs). Blessed with curves, it's best not to look to closely if she says she's feeling a bit chesty. She's recently become a grandmother for the umpteenth time - no problem if the Ostermilk runs dry then.
EPITAPH - Hacienda Chic (2008)

Joanne Lambert-Barnes (bar - pt time) - In these days of uncertain values and false promises itz gud to know that there's still one brand that you can rely upon for a smooth, enjoyable cigarette - introducing Ms Double Fillter Tipped Lambert & Butler (cue Blind Date style oooh's n aahh's) who comes to us in transition as she completes a postgrad in Event Management - better prepare for an Autumn resit then Hun. Since leaving she's met her match (in lurv) and we wish him well!!

EPITAPH- do you know that quaint coffee house in Milan? (2007)

James (chef) - From the wrong side of the hospitality tracks (The posh Leewood up the road) came a cocky, flashy upstart just dying to prove that the every underdog can have his day - and so entered The Bandana Clad, designer stubbled, hard alcopop living, um...James, or rather Jimmy "The Sabbatier" Blade as he cared to be known. Flyboy, joined us in March and fancied himself as a bit of a pastry genius as well as promising to put together a dessert menu to die for - thankfully none of us has had to make the necessary funeral arrangements as his sweet trolley sensations never materialised during his 3m stint. Sporting a Bandana, we were initially confused as to whether he was a Pirate of the Caribbean or Rapheal of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle fame - not so, more like The Karate Kid - "Wax On, Wax Off" pertaining to the application his hair gel whilst the chain he wore probably come from a Kawasaki Z1000 and is one Mr T would have happily have sported. Not so much a case of 'Crash n Burn' but rather (A)tora, (A)tora, (A)tora!!!

EPITAPH - So you wanted t' fly Jets eh Homeboy? (2007)

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Tony (chef) Tony completed 2 stints with us, the latter one ending in Feb 2007 when like an instinctive swallow he migrated down south. Tony was always at the cutting edge of things (usually slicing carrots) and a firm believer in the white heat of technology (if not the kitchen). This was never better illustrated by his use of his trusty food temp probe (though he has yet to find a version suitable for use on fried eggs). A bit of a ladies man on the quiet (as long as he could fit a suitable gag) his approach of giving anybody a chance was refreshing in this day of shallowness - his only requirement being that the individual concerned was in possession of a pair of X chromosomes.

EPITAPH - They're never too old...or young (2007)

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Billy (asst mgr) - The Imelda Marcos of the tie world Billy was transferred from a local secure 3 star institution way back in 1996. Whilst there his polished style (Blackpool BB) made him a firm favourite with (VIP) guests though his departure from there came shortly after the late and much loved Princess Margaret had complained of her bath water being too hot - he obviously forget her favourite addition to any liquid - the Ice Cubes! We were always lead to believe that his rapid fire style was wholly natural and not down to stimulants of any sort though his ability to consume a 500g Cadbury's Roses carton in under 15 mins may have been a contributory factor. During the last couple of yrs he spent a fair bit of time in Thailand n Oz and though he may yet retire to enjoy a daily diet of char-grilled Cajun Skippy n Chips itz best if you see that you don't utter any annoying cliches such as "throw another faggot on the barbie" quite yet.

EPITAPH - Oooh, You are awful, but I Like Yoo (2007)

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Martin (chef) Martin came to us as a rough n unpolished diamond and after a year or two under the dedicated tutelage of our head chef left pretty much in the same state. Like all thoroughbreds, he was always quick to work up a sweat whilst in service - luckily the regular taking on board of liquid to maintain bodily fluids was a mantra he truly believed in. The hotel was proud to host his wedding to Collette in 2005 - we wish them all happiness and luck, esp Martin with his new extended family...!

EPITAPH - A drink's too wet without one (2006)

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Sue and Jude (kitchen) - Theses delightful ladies were no shy wallflowers (well maybe in Oils but certainly not in the flesh) as they managed to work alongside John (still active!), Craig and Eddie in those long past yester years. The care which Sue lavished on food preparation was only bettered by the efforts she devoted to a certain member of the aforementioned Trio of Galloping Gourmets. Sue (and her Happy Chef) have both moved on, often being employed in tandem. A Fanny & Johnny style partnership may yet be in the making, in innuendo at least if not in culinary terms.

EPITAPH - A Real life Mrs Bridges meets Hudson love story - predominantly set in the shabby confines of room 42 (so not a widescreen presentation then)

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Jude despite being from (North) Wales always showed willing from day 1. Having graduated from the humble leek she eventually did achieve a real mastery of fine veg prepn culminating in her "coup de grace" of frozen petit pois. Though never having displayed an aversion to The Pastry section, she surprisingly took an active interest in the Sweets, at times displaying attributes that would have served her well as Cleopatra's Food Taster - no doubt wishing her esteemed Mistress to avoid "Death by Chocolate". Since leaving she was successful in her academic ambitions to become a Chef - go Girrrl

EPITAPH - Friend of The Phantom Flan Flinger - 'cos she never touched those desserts

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Clive (head barman) Cliches like "service with a smile" and "customer satisfaction" abound in the hospitality industry. Fortunately Clive was never one for cliches and for the 15 or so years he worked simply served whoever stood on the other side of the bar in his own unhurried and down to earth way. The last recorded instance of Clive smiling was circa 1999 when he heard the Mild was being discontinued and once he almost broke into a cheerful whistle when he managed to complete his crossword before he called last orders for the afternoon. Actually I tell a lie - in more recent times the loss of a particular regular (lunchtime) patron did cause a wry curling of the outer extremities of his lips. Clive left to spend more time at home with Margaret, his long time partner. We wish him well, or at least those current staff who worked with her during a brief period of hotel employment do.

EPITAPH - Any bleedin' guest beer as long as it's NOT Speckled Hen (2005)

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Craig (chef) Craig worked at The Buckingham for nigh on 10 yrs or more.

EPITAPH - A ***** piece of work (2005)

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Anwar (restaurant) - Aaah yes, dear Anwar. East is East in reverse! Hailing from the sub-continent his initial speech patterns were reminiscent of those last seen in "Mind Yr Language." Over his tenure things improved and he finally graduated from the 'Art Malik' school of Cut Glass Oxford Speak having specialised in a hybrid form of diction best described as a fusion between 'The Jewel in the Crown' & 'It ain't half Hot'. His high standards were not always matched by his interpersonal skills leading at times to "team building" issues - usually centred on the fact that he was only rota'd on for a 110 hrs that week. He was always a big hit with the legions of elderly guests who no doubt were happy to relive a connection with the old days of the Raj.

EPITAPH - Ork-eeey Dor-key, it's called Mumbai now (2003)

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Eddie (chef) Hailing from Sith Afreeka, Eddie (pronounced Idi) joined us in Feb 2002 and has settled in well despite the absence of Antelope from the menu. He shared that wonderful male temperament, tolerance and humble approach so often seen in those who hail from The Rainbow Nation. His views on certain traditional root vegetables used in English cooking are best not mentioned. He still pops in to see us - and is actively seeking help with preparation of his CV. Those considering the position shud have had previous relevant experience in compiling lengthy documents, ideally The Domesday book.

EPITAPH - "It was never like this in The Durban Country Club" (2003)